Joy Guilt: When Feeling Good Feels Bad

Have you ever found yourself laughing deeply with a friend, soaking in a moment of peace, or finally feeling like you're getting somewhere… only to be hit with a pang of guilt?

That creeping thought:

"Why do I get to feel good when others are struggling?"

"Shouldn’t I be doing more, helping more, hurting more?"

This is joy guilt, or happiness guilt, a heavy emotion that clouds moments of lightness. And you’re not alone in feeling this way.

Joy guilt may show up when we’ve experienced pain, loss, trauma, or ongoing stress. It’s the nervous system saying:

“Hey, last time you relaxed, something bad happened. Don’t let your guard down.”

It’s protective in nature, but it can also block us from fully living.

Why Am I Feeling Guilty in Joyful Moments?

Psychologically, guilt is a moral emotion. It keeps us aligned with our values and social norms, often prompting us to make amends or consider others’ feelings. But when we start to feel guilty for experiencing joy (especially in the context of trauma, burnout, or comparison) it becomes misplaced guilt.

According to research from Dr. Brené Brown and other shame researchers, joy is one of the most vulnerable emotions we can feel. In fact, in her studies, Brown found that many people struggle with joy because it feels too risky. We don’t want to fully feel it, because we fear it will be taken away. So we emotionally “dress rehearse tragedy.”

Additionally, those who have experienced trauma or systemic marginalisation often carry what researchers call "survivor guilt", the internalised belief that experiencing happiness is somehow unfair, especially if loved ones are still struggling.

Even in daily life, societal conditioning plays a role. We’re told to be productive, helpful, and self-sacrificing. So when we prioritise rest, pleasure, or ease, it can trigger internal alarms that we’re doing something “wrong.”

Tools to Work With Joy Guilt

Here are some practices for those of you who are learning to feel safe in joy again:

1. Name & Don't Shame

Guilt and shame are slippery. They often show up as a subtle tension in the body or a quick drop in the stomach. Pause and name the emotion:

“This is guilt showing up in my joy.”

Labelling helps create space between you and the feeling, reducing its power.

2. Safe Joy Journal

Each evening, write down one moment of joy from your day. Something that made you feel good, something that made you smile or laugh. Small is good: warm sunlight, a funny message, a nice coffee. Note down the details of that moment: what happened, who was there, how it made you feel inside.

Then write:

“It was safe for me to feel joy in that moment.”

Let your body track evidence that joy is not only okay - it’s survivable.

3. Self Talk Check-In

When these feelings of guilt come up in moments of joy, ask yourself:

"Whose voice tells me I’m not allowed to feel good?"

Then:

"What would I say to a friend who felt like this?"

Let your compassionate voice be louder than the fearful one.

4. Get To Know Yourself

Journaling can help you to understand the unconscious beliefs that are fuelling your guilt:

“What story am I telling myself about my right to feel joy?”

“Where did I learn that joy has to be earned?”

“Whose voice is this - mine, or someone else’s?”

5. Offer Compassion to the Part That Feels Guilty

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, or Parts Therapy, guilt is viewed not as a flaw, but as a part of you trying to protect you. You might say:

“Thank you for trying to keep me connected to others. I see you. I’m still allowed to feel joy.”

A Gentle Reminder

Joy is not a betrayal of pain. It is not the opposite of grief or hardship; it can sit beside it. Your joy doesn’t take from others. It doesn’t make you selfish.

Feeling joy is a part of healing. It means you are allowing yourself to feel fully human. And when we allow joy in, we’re actually more resourced to show up in the world from a grounded, heart-led place.

Further Reading:

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

• Permission to Feel by Dr. Marc Brackett (Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence)

Ready to explore this more deeply?

If guilt has been getting tangled up in your joy, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to untangle it by yourself.

Through hypnotherapy, we can gently explore where these beliefs have come from, and begin to rewrite the internal rules that tell you joy is only earned, or that it comes at a cost.

✨ Imagine what it might feel like to experience joy without the emotional hangover.

If this resonates, I’d love to support you.

You can book a free connection call here.

Let’s make space for joy 💕