Where Did My Resilience Go?!

We talk about resilience like it’s an achievement, a badge of honour, something to earn and keep. Even in the therapy room, we're working towards building resilience and developing a better capacity for coping with stress, adversity and trauma. What isn't always obvious is that resilience isn't a fixed attribute, like "Hey, I'm resilient now! Nothing can get to me!"

No, unfortunately not. Resilience isn’t endless. It’s not some magic potion you can pour into every stressful situation until you reach enlightenment. It’s more like a container... and that container has limits.

I've always seen myself as resilient, but recently I was reminded that this isn't an innate personality trait I've attained, but a very dynamic and variable process. But who would've thought that planning an abroad wedding whilst moving countries, selling a house, building a business and completing my psychotherapy training would be my downfall? 👀

Even though I know all the theory, I still found myself teetering at the edges of what I could actually cope with. This is one of those times I needed to practice what I preach in the therapy room. That’s where the concept of the window of tolerance comes in.

The Window of Tolerance (and why it matters)

Psychiatrist Dan Siegel coined the term to describe the zone in which we feel able to cope and function without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.

Image from The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine

• Inside the window: you’re grounded enough to think clearly, respond rather than react, and keep perspective.

• Outside the window:

  • Too high → hyperarousal: overstimulated, anxiety, racing thoughts, irritability, panic.

  • Too low → hypoarousal: understimulaed, numbness, shutdown, fatigue, dissociation.

    
    

When you’re inside your window, you’ve got room to bend without breaking. When you’re outside it, even small stressors feel impossible.

The good news is: your window isn’t fixed. The bad news is: your window isn't fixed. It widens or narrows depending on your circumstances, your history, and how much is already on your plate. Big life events like weddings, career changes, relocations, or money worries can shrink it to the size of a letterbox. But an accumulation of other triggers, situations and smaller events can reduce it, too.

The Myth of Infinite Resilience

We love the idea that stress builds character. Push harder, and you’ll come out stronger. But research tells a more complicated story.

Take the Yerkes-Dodson law (1908). It shows that a certain level of stress can actually boost performance, but only up to a point. Too much stress, and performance drops off a cliff. Translation: pressure can help you rise to the occasion, until it tips you over the edge. Or look at ego depletion theory (Baumeister, 1998). It suggests that willpower works like a muscle - use it constantly, and it gets tired. That’s why you might be the queen of self-control at work, then come home and eat a share bag of crisps and 5 choccy digestives for dinner.

In other words: resilience is really bloody useful, but it has limits. Your nervous system isn’t designed to “just keep going” forever.

Stress Do Be Stacking Up

One of the biggest challenges in real life is that stress rarely shows up neatly, one at a time. It stacks. Let's keep with the wedding planning as an example:

• Planning a wedding is stressful.

• Planning a wedding while managing family dynamics is even more stressful.

• Add financial strain, moving house, problems at work or caring responsibilities? Suddenly, your window of tolerance feels more like a blurry little peephole than a window.

  
  

Even if you’re usually the “strong one” in your circle, the human body and mind have thresholds. Being “good at coping” doesn’t mean being invincible.

So, what can you do with this information (other than feeling slightly smug that you now know some fun psychology references)? As with most mental fitness skills, awareness is the first step. Try this reflective activity:

The Window of Tolerance Self-Audit

Think of this as a personal check-in to help you map your own “window” - what keeps you in it, what chucks you out of it, and how you can spot the early warning signs. No right answers, no gold stars, just honest reflection.

Step 1: Measure Your Window

When you’re inside your window of tolerance, you probably feel:

☐ I can think clearly and make decisions

☐ I feel connected to myself and others

☐ I have a positive outlook in spite of small things going wrong

☐ I can cope with stress without feeling like I’ll combust

☐ I can have a laugh (even if things are hard)

Tick what resonates, or write down your own descriptions.

Step 2: Spot the Signs You’re Above Your Window (Hyperarousal)

When stress gets too much, I notice:

☐ Racing thoughts / constant worrying

☐ Snapping or feeling easily irritated

☐ Tight chest, shallow breathing, heart racing

☐ Restlessness, pacing, can’t sit still

☐ Feeling like I need to do something, anything

Note down any other signs.

Step 3: Spot the Signs You’re Below Your Window (Hypoarousal)

When I shut down, I notice:

☐ Numb, disconnected, “on autopilot”

☐ Struggling to focus or remember things

☐ Heavy body, low energy, hard to move

☐ Withdrawing from others

☐ Feeling like nothing really matters

Any others?

Step 4: What Shrinks My Window

These are the stressors that make my window narrower:

☐ Big life changes (moves, kids, weddings, work)

☐ Family dynamics

☐ Financial pressure

☐ Lack of sleep

☐ Social comparison / doomscrolling

☐ Overcommitting and saying yes when I mean no

(Add your own - awareness is power!)

Step 5: What Expands My Window

These are the things that bring me back into balance:

☐ Restorative sleep

☐ Talking it out with someone safe

☐ Movement (walks, yoga, dancing, shaking off the stress)

☐ Humour (sarcasm counts)

☐ Grounding exercises / deep breathing / mindfulness

☐ Doing something just for me (reading, music, journalling)

Step 6: A Reflection to Take to Therapy

• When do I most often notice myself pushed out of my window?

• Do I tend to go “up” (anxious, wired) or “down” (numb, flat)?

• What’s one practice I can lean on this week to gently widen my window?

The point of this activity isn’t to aim for perfection or to stay in the window 24/7, that’s impossible. It’s about noticing patterns, recognising your own walls, and having ways to come back when life yeets you out. Sometimes your window will feel wide and spacious; other times it will feel impossibly narrow. That’s just the human experience.

Try keeping track of what shrinks and what expands your window over the next week. Notice the small early warning signs, the ways your body and mind respond, and which practices help you return to balance. Even tiny shifts - a walk, a grounding exercise, a laugh with mates - can make a difference.

If you’d like some gentle guidance and reflection prompts to help you experiment with this in real life, I share these each week in my Take This To Therapy newsletter. It’s a quiet space to reflect, experiment, and build awareness - no pressure, no judgement, just a little support for navigating the chaos of being human. Subscribe here.

And if you’re curious about how therapy or hypnotherapy could help you expand your window of tolerance more consistently, you can book a free 15-minute consultation with me. It’s a safe, confidential space to explore what might help you cope better with life’s bigger stresses, without any pressure.